Mel

23

Storyteller

Queer Gurl

Nerd(fighter)

Recovering Sick Person

I’d like to take a moment to appreciate that my former AP English Language and AP US History teachers are in a band (called Academentia, lol forever) with some other teachers, and the APUSH guy also sells tie-dyed stuff. Bless.

I loved those guys and I loved being in their classes. I loved junior year. Now I remember why; there were lots of reasons. It stings when I think about it sometimes, but tonight I’m trying to just appreciate that I got that small pocket of good in the middle of a whole lot of bad.

Reblogged from sqoozh  5 notes

sqoozh:

there needs to be a story that has a witch or wizard with a chicken familiar and everybody underestimates them because they don’t know chickens are evolutionarily similar to t rexes and thus duh actually a dragon

I need to freak out right now and it’s not the good or happy or excited kind of freak out, it’s the terrified kind, and I feel like I’m going to puke out a lung. And yes, I know it doesn’t work like that. 

LOLOLOLOLOL GUESS WHAT 

SOME CHEMO DRUGS ARE MORE LIKELY TO CAUSE KIDNEY DAMAGE THAN OTHERS 

LOLOLOLOL GUESS WHAT

I RECEIVED RIDICULOUSLY HIGH DOSES OF TWO OF THOSE DRUGS

HAHAHAHAHAHA YOU KNOW WHAT’S HILARIOUS

MY FATHER’S HISTORY OF RENAL FAILURE

PFFFFT and now his mom’s kidneys are failing, and one of her previous chemo drugs was also used on me IN A MUCH HIGHER DOSE THAN HERS

so basically what i’m hearing is that i am hosed

Okay, I know I’m stretching here. I know I’m being paranoid and nutzo and I need to calm my shit down, but there’s also some basis here to suggest that I am hosed and this will be how I die, too. I have already seen this. I’m going to have to watch it with her. Eventually I’ll have to watch my dad do it again, unless he dies in a freak accident. Is this my future, too? Because I am not doing this shit. I know enough to know that I’d rather die quickly than have a couple extra months or years of being alive but completely miserable. To me, it is not worth it. They give you paperwork with chemo before you get it and it outlines all the risks and side effects—it’s a whole booklet, to be honest—and it’s true that I was informed of the risk of kidney damage, because I scared the shit out of myself and read every single word. But nowhere did it say that any of the drugs they were using were any more likely to to cause harm than another. So this is a nice little surprise. Thanks, Dabaja 

I guess I also have to take into account how much radiation she received and compare that to my admittedly small single TBI exposure in and my MUCH larger exposures to I-131 and its associated tracers. I mean, I had to carry paperwork to travel because I would set off sensors in airports. That’s pretty radioactive, man. She never needed travel papers. Does that mean I’m more likely to be hosed? 

Lots of factors and ways this could go and I am trying really hard to not go into fully blown panic and I’ve been doing a really good job but now my mind has gone to THIS IS GONNA HAPPEN TO ME, TOO because of what I’m writing, and it’s doing good things for my writing, but it is NOT doing good things for my mental health. 

I’m done with medical bullshit, remember? I’m fine, almost. Sort of. There is no evidence right now to support the suggestion that my kidneys will definitely fail. I need to keep repeating that to myself. There is no proof that this will happen to me. There is no way to know that. So calm down, Mel. You sound like the nutritionist lady.